Jen and I were talking about PM and we joked around about certain things like: how the handmaidens are supposed to have Amidala's coloring but in the big battle, one is a blonde; how dirty Watoo can sound; if you're from Naboo, why are you called Nubian (Noobian?) and not Naboobian which, when you say it and crack up, is probably the reason why they didn't use it; all the intricate betting; Darth Maul is so popular and like Boba Fett, he's in it for 8 minutes. On and On. Jenna told me that a friend said "You can't tell me how there isn't a sleazeball Jedi using the Force to pick up women." That started this marathon of email comedy skits.
Jedi: Hey hottie! How about you and me together?
Woman: Buzz off,
flako.
Jedi (waving hand): You will take me home.
Woman: What are you
doing waving your hand like that? You think you're some kind of Jedi? I'm a
Toydarian, mind tricks don't work on me.
Jedi: You're a Toydarian? I thought
you were Noobian!
Woman: Ahhh, Noobian, not too bad. Errhunnn.
Jedi: You're a Toydarian? I thought you were Noobian!
Woman: That's Naboobian, nitwit.
(Isn't it nice of Obiwan to offer to sell the Queen's clothes for the hyperdrive without asking the Queen?)
Jedi: My queen's clothes? Which queen? The real one pretending to be a
handmaiden or the handmaiden pretending to be the queen whose actually in the
clothes? Oops, you're not supposed to know that. Never mind.
Doom and Gloom
Panaka: Now we'll never get this to work.
Woman: You Naboobian.
Woman: That can't be an impostor Queen. She looks just like the Queen, well, except for the blond hair and albino skin. No, you cannot fool me with your Jedi mind tricks, I thought I told you that.
Handmaiden (really the Queen): Don't worry Panaka, we only need to take
down this entire droid army. Look, there's a batallion right there. What's your
plan Jedi?
Jedi: Well. .
Padawan: I'll take care of this. (sashe's his
way into a crowd of droid dakars)
Woman: You think you're so hot because you can take out a bunch of
droids that would tip over anyway.
Padawan: That and I have this really
boss braid and pony tail.
Woman: Big deal. I can get that at Spencer's. Why
don't you run home?I hear Mommy and Daddy calling you.
Padawan:I don't have
a Mommy and Daddy. My midi-cholorians made me out of a piece of old gum and a
spitball.
Woman: That explains a lot.
Jedi: No, young Padawan. You have a mother and father but thanks to Mace
Windu, expert baby snatcher, I was allowed to train you.
Anakin: Gosh, you
all are so great. Is there anything I can do to help?
Yoda: Great danger, I
sense.
Padawan: Danger, where? I'll take care of it.
Yoda: In the boy,
danger there is.
Panaka: I knew it. This is a boy I do not believe we can
take with us.
Handmaiden: I thought we already left him behind. I've said
good-bye to him three times.
Watto:You did, you did!But the boy here, he's not so easy
to leave behind, ennh?
Handmaiden: So what do we have to do?
Watto: You
bet him, but you be careful or you end up losing yourself, ennh? You win, you
get the boy, free movie passes, a hyperdrive that no one else has, and a couple
bubble gum cards. I win, I get to sleep with your sister. Not bad, ennh?
Handmaiden: Um, I have to pass this by the Queen.
Padawan: Pathetic life
form. I'll handle the Queen.
Handmaiden: No, Padawan, I have to pass it by
the Queen(wink, wink)
Senator Palpatine: Your highness, I mean, young handmaiden, do you think
this hood hides my face well?
Anakin: Why would you want to hide your face?
Senator Palpatine: Oh, no reason, no reason. Still, can you recognize me if
I wear it over my eyes like this?
Handmaiden: I'm an expert on these
matters. Try surrounding yourself with guys who look just like you but
different in some major way.
Jedi: I had this friend, he was super. He just
wore glasses and no one knew his secret identity.
Padme: You know, this movie has been going on for an hour now. Where's
the guy with the tatooed face that's on all the T-shirts?
Anakin: He's a
person and his name is Darth Maul!
Padme: Whoa! You did a lousy job reading
that line!
Anakin: How can you say that? Aren't you an angel? Don't we get
married?
Padme: Well, uh, I have to check that with the Queen.
(wink,wink)
Anakin: I don't think you should wink at me. I'm only 9 so
you're breaking some galactic laws.
Padme: Sigh. What else could go wrong?
Darth Maul: I'm here. I am death
Padawan:I'll handle this! Damn, where
did he go?
Padme:His eight minutes are up.
(What kind of slave is Shmi? What does she do besides make arts and crafts? Work out of her home? And doesn't she have the worse name ever given to a Star Wars character?)
Green Head: Wow, I don't care what galaxy you're from, that's gotta
hurt.
Red Head: Duba, wub, doooba, Jabba du Hutt!
Jabba: Owonkie
Chewbacca!
Woman: Wrong movie, Naboobie.
Senator Palpatine: Anyway, so darn, Darth Maul is gone, huh?
Watto:
Shmi, where are my windchimes? eunnnh.
(Wouldn't the scene of ObiWan inspecting Amidala's wardrobe to see if
it's worth much be funny.)
Queen: ObiWan, why are you in my closet?
ObiWan: Um, no reason. Say, what did these rags set you back? Could you
have gotten a hyperdrive instead? Just asking.
QuiGon: So I'll trade you my heavy woolen poncho that I'm wearing in the
desert heat for the boy and his mother.
Watto: No poncho is worth two
slaves! I'll give you the mother. Dat be pretty good for you, huh? And I
wouldn't have to keep paying for her telecommuting to work, ennh?
QuiGon:I'll take the boy.
Watto: Now you worry me. But hey, it's your
business. Boy, come here!
Anakin: Great!I can give this necklace I made from
a parsnip to Padme!
QuiGon: Say goodbye to your mother first. Shmi!
Captain Hook: Shmi, where are you?!!The crocodile is after me, Shmi!
Watto: Hey, now I see why you didn't pick the mother!
Senator Palpatine: So Bail, seen any dark, brooding, young,
force-sensitive beings looking for a job? I'm offering on-the-job training. I
need a. . . paige for my Senate duties. Yeah, that's it.
Padme: Sorry,
Bail's being recast. He was too ugly for the movie.
Padawan: Pathetic
life-form.
Jedi:You know, Obi-Wan. You're a little uptight. Ever thought of
getting away from it all? You should consider a warm climate. I hear it does
wonders for your attitude.
Darth Sidious: This battle is not like Queen Amidala. I would not have
expected her to be so aggressive. Kill them, Darth Maul. Kill all of them.
(Darth Maul uses his double-bladed lightsaber to slide and dice the Trade
Federation party standing next to him)
Darth Sidious: Whoops! Okay, I SHOULD have
been more specific. Not your fault, that one's on me. It's this crawling hologram projecter. It's
making me nauseous and I wanted to end the call fast.
Yoda: How lose you, this one eye?
Ugly, One-eyed Jedi: Ever tried to
figure out what's wrong with your lightsaber by examining the focus
crystal?
Yoda: Surprising it is, that Jedi you are.
Amidala: I would like to enter a vote of No Confidence in the Leadership
of Chancellor Vallorium.
Senate Orator: How does the delegation of ET
vote?
ETs: B good, B good, B---
Senate Orator: Please note that the
delegation of ETs voted for Chancellor Vallorium to be good right before the
delegation of Rancors ate them.
(On the good Republic Ship that dropped off the Jedi, the chain of
command is followed as well as it is on Star Trek:)
Copilot: Captain, we
need fuel.
Captain: Order fuel, copilot.
Copilot: Ordering fuel, m'am.
Captain, we need food supplies.
Captain: Order food supplies, copilot.
Copilot: Ordering food supplies, m'am. Captain, they're aiming their guns at
us!
Captain: Ohmigod!
Copilot: Should I raise shields?!
Captain: I
can't believe it!
Copilot: I can't raise shields until I'm ordered to!
Should I raise shields?!
Captain: Sh*t.
Copilot: Did that, m'am, as
soon as I saw the guns.
Padme: You come from a hot planet, Anakin, too hot for my tastes. And
sandy, way too much sand. And too many criminals. Basically, someone should
blow it up.
Anakin: But my mom is still on it!
Padme: Oh right. Never
mind.
Anakin: Once we get to Naboo or Coruscant, can't someone scrounge up
enough money to get my mom from Watto?
Padme: If it meant that much to you,
why didn't you hock 3PO?
Starship Designer: Here's my idea. We put a whole bunch of droids on a
ship. Whenever there is a problem, the droids go up a chute and roll around on
the hull trying to fix it.
Droid Designer: What if they are being shot at?
Starship Designer: Oh, especially if they are being shot at.
Droid
Designer: Do you have any idea what droids cost?
Starship Designer: No
problem. It's not like they are a hyperdrive or the Queen's wardrobe.
(Looking towards Episode III:)
ObiWan: OK, so we have to separate
the twins and hide them from the Emperor.
Amidala: My babies?!!! You want
me to give up my babies?!
ObiWan: Well, we would have snatched them anyway
for Jedi training.
Amidala: Hello! There's something you should have
mentioned years ago!
ObiWan: So where should we hide them?
Mystery man:
I'll take Leia.
ObiWan: Who the hell are you?
MM: Bail Organa
Amidala: Geez, did they recast you again? I didn't recognize you.
ObiWan: The Force tells me to take Luke to Tatooine. I'll keep his name
Skywalker in case you're ever looking for him. No one will ever suspect that
he's on his father's planet, with his father's name, and his father's piloting
abilities on a planet that the Hutts control where Anakin won that podrace that
no human ever won before and they're still talking about. Hey, I wonder if
Shmi's old house is still available in Mos Espa?
Amidala: The FORCE told
you this was a good idea?
Amidala: So you're going to give Luke to his Uncle and Aunt?
Obi-Wan: Yes. He can work on their moisture farm. It's a little
out-of-the-way piece of dirt. Pathetic Life-forms.
Amidala: Okay, I'll skip
over the part about my son farming moisture. But, if Shmi had a brother or
sister, why didn't they help her out of slavery?
Obi-Wan: I said they were
pathetic.
Yoda: Wait, ObiWan. Owen and Beru Lars, your brother and
sister-in-law are they not?
ObiWan: Oh right. Forgot about that.
Amidala: Why didn't you visit him when we were on Tatooine? Why didn't you
get money for the hyperdrive from him?
ObiWan: He hates my guts. And I hate
his right back!
Amidala: I'm trusting you people with my SON?!!!
Chancellor Palpatine: Tell me Senator Organa. I didn't even know your
wife was pregnant. Where did you get such a beautiful baby girl.
Bail:
Well, it's a funny story, see...
Chancellor Palpatine: Where'd he go?
Amidala: He's being recast.
(On to Star Wars Classic!)
Old Obi-Wan: You'll never see a more wretched hive of scum and
villainy...
Luke: Wow, Mos Eisley sounds pretty bad.
Old Obi-Wan: Yes.
You'll never see a more wretched hive. Unless you go to Mos Espa. Now, as far as
hives go, it's the wretchedest.
Luke: Gosh.
Old Obi-Wan: Yes, except of
course for Jabba's palace. Just crawling with scum and villainy there.
Luke: Golly, Tatooine really sucks. Why do we keep coming back here?
Luke: You know what, Leia?
Leia: What?
Luke: How did we ever get
such sane names when everyone else is named stuff like Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, Anakin
and Amidala?
Leia: Who the hell is Qui-Gon? Was he ever mentioned in our
films?
Luke: No, but apparently he was very important to Anakin. Saved his
life, got him accepted by the Council, died to save Naboo.
Leia: Sigh.
Pop's big on loyalty, isn't he? Think he could have mentioned this guy just one
time?
Luke: Yeah, and Dad gave Obi-Wan credit for training me when it was Yoda
I got my two weeks training from.
Leia: You're a Jedi after training for
two weeks?
Luke: Yup.
Leia: Must be easier then they let on.
Leia: You know what Luke?
Luke: What?
Leia: I wish Lucas would
make the last three films.
Luke: Why?
Leia: Well, it would be nice to
know that our family had something happy in it's history.
Luke: Actually,
we're probably better off without him making them.
Leia: Why?
Luke:
Because he'd probably kill us off.
Leia: I've been thinking about what you said about sequels. And I
decided that I hope Lucas DOES make them.
Luke: Why?
Leia: So people
don't think these stupid novels are the sequels!!! Have you read them?
Luke:
I thought it better--
Leia: Do you know you're marrying someone who wanted
to kill you? That was the Emperor's assassin/toy?
Luke: Oh god!
Leia:
Wasn't Dad bad enough? Now you have this for a wife?
Luke: Don't start the
whole I-hate-Dad thing again.
Leia: I mean, like I'd REALLY name my kid
after him!
Luke: I can't hear you! LA LA LALALALALALALAALA!
(Leia's reaction in ANH when, after having her ship captured, her crew
killed, herself tortured and her homeworld blown up to protect the Death Star
plans, her rescuers bring them right on the Death Star (inside R2))
Leia
(hologram): Hi, Ben! Well, I'm about to be tortured so can you take the secret
information inside this R2 unit to Dad or the Rebellion? Thanks!
Han: Hey!
That Imperial battle station -- the one that captured the Princess for stealing
its secret plans -- is drawing us in!
Luke: Cool! Let's run around with R2
and see if we can get him captured!
Tarkin: Vader, didn't you say that on
Tatooine -- by the way, aren't you from Tatooine? -- that you figured the
Princess hid our stolen plans in a droid? Don't the escaping rebels have 2
droids that answer the description of the ones you're looking for?
Vader:
Who knows? I'm still riding high on the whole Kenobi is dead thing.
Tarkin:
Oh. Oh well, we'll just let them go and switch to that "Hide a tracking sensor
on their ship" plan of yours.
Vader: Cool.